The Art of Disagreeing with Dignity | Tami Pyfer | TED

Name: The Art of Disagreeing with Dignity | Tami Pyfer | TED
Duration: 11 min 4 s
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consideration
entrepreneurs
relationships
strengthening
conversations
breakthrough
compromising
conservative

Transcript: 140 sentences

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0:01 When I was working as the education policy advisor for the governor of Utah, I was approached by a group of elementary school students who reached out asking for my help.
0:11 These young entrepreneurs were learning how to create their own businesses, and they had decided to create a portrait business.
0:19 If you sent them a photo and $6, they would sketch your portrait.
0:24 Well I was eager to support these students, and so I sent this photo of my oldest son.
0:31 He's a musician.
0:32 And I've always thought that this picture really captured his personality.
0:36 So I sent in my $6 and waited.
0:40 This is what I got back.
0:48 How fantastic is this, right?
0:51 The blue beard, the whole vibe.
0:53 My son loved this so much that it's hanging in his studio.
0:58 I loved it so much, I wanted them to draw me.
1:01 So I sent this photo of my husband and me.
1:05 We were out to dinner for my birthday.
1:07 It's one of my favorite photos.
1:09 For $6, this is what I got back.
1:22 Ouch.
1:26 It can be a little painful when you realize that the way you see yourself is dramatically --
1:33 Dramatically different from how other people see you.
1:37 But that gap, that difference in perspective, can also be powerful.
1:42 Because when we learn to see ourselves through a new lens, it can open a path to growth.
1:47 And it just might be the key to strengthening democracy.
1:51 A few years ago, my family was struggling, not because we didn't love each other, but because like a lot of families, our political differences had started to impact the way
2:01 we interacted with each other.
2:03 We're a politically diverse family.
2:05 I have five kids who belong to five political parties.
2:10 I have an independent, a Democrat, a Democratic socialist, a libertarian and a Republican.
2:19 And my husband and I have different political views as well.
2:22 He is an unaffiliated conservative, and I am a moderate Republican.
2:27 We're basically our own focus group.
2:31 I've always considered raising kids with independent views a parenting win.
2:41 But during this time, it didn't feel like anyone was winning.
2:45 Conversations got tense.
2:47 Sometimes we argued, but mostly we just avoided talking about anything that could stir controversy.
2:54 our Thanksgiving dinners, we implemented the no-politics rule.
2:58 But even then, an unguarded comment could break the truce.
3:03 Slowly, I recognized something else coming into our conversations and our interactions.
3:09 It was more than disagreement.
3:11 It was more than conflict.
3:13 It was contempt.
3:16 Now we’re living in a culture of contempt.
3:19 You see it everywhere: on social media, on cable news, on talk radio and especially in politics.
3:27 Contempt is this feeling that you're better than those people, that their views aren't just wrong, but dangerous.
3:35 And they’re not just mistaken -- they're evil.
3:38 And when contempt enters a conversation, everything changes.
3:42 It changes the way we see each other.
3:44 It erodes trust.
3:46 It weakens relationships and divides communities.
3:50 Over time, it damages democracy itself.
3:55 The antidote to contempt is dignity.
3:58 Dignity is the inherent worth of every human being.
4:02 Not because of what we believe, not because of what we achieve, but because we are human.
4:08 And if contempt says, “I see myself above you,” dignity says, “I see myself in you.” And when contempt pulls us apart,
4:18 dignity can bring us back together.
4:21 In our families, our communities and our country.
4:25 Now if contempt is so damaging and dignity is so healing, what if we had a way to see both more clearly?
4:35 That question led my colleagues and me to create something called “The Dignity Index.” It’s a simple scale that measures how we treat each other, or the language that we use when we disagree.
4:46 The scale goes from one to eight, and on one side of the scale is contempt.
4:51 This is where we dismiss others.
4:53 Maybe we mock them, we dehumanize, and we ultimately condone or even commit acts of violence and feel virtuous about it.
5:03 On the other side of the scale is dignity.
5:06 Dignity is where we listen.
5:09 We seek common ground.
5:10 We admit mistakes.
5:12 And we're able to see each other's humanity even in disagreement, even in conflict.
5:19 Now The Dignity Index scores language, not people.
5:23 No one is a three, no one is a seven.
5:26 We all have the ability to move up and down the scale every day.
5:31 Let's give it a try.
5:32 Let's score this quote.
5:34 This is from Senator John McCain in his concession speech to then-Senator Barack Obama in 2008.
5:40 Senator McCain said, "I've always believed that America offers opportunity to all who have the industry and will to seize it.
5:47 Senator Obama believes that, too."
5:50 This score is a six.
5:52 We're always looking for those things that we have in common, the values and interests that we share, because we have more in common than we think.
6:01 Let's score this quote.
6:02 This is from a political fundraising email.
6:04 "The American Dream is under attack by the -- woke left, radical right -- fill in the blank.
6:09 The fight is no longer at our doorstep.
6:12 It's entered our homes and personal lives."
6:15 This is a two.
6:17 Those people are evil and they're going to destroy everything if we let them.
6:22 They're a danger to everything that we value.
6:26 We're going to score one last quote here.
6:28 This one is from Benjamin Franklin, and this was on the last night of the Constitutional Convention.
6:33 He was advocating for approval of the Constitution, even though he disagreed with several points in the Constitution, saying, "I've experienced many instances of being obliged
6:45 by better information or fuller consideration to change opinions, even on important subjects."
6:51 This is a beautiful seven -- where you're going to work with people who think differently than you do.
6:58 That you’re going to be open to admitting that you might’ve made a mistake, or that you changed your mind.
7:04 That's how you use the Dignity Index.
7:07 See how easy it is?
7:09 Now when we first created the Dignity Index, we designed it to score political speech.
7:14 And that's how most people tend to think about it when they start to learn the scale.
7:18 As a tool for judging others.
7:21 Their senator, maybe their boss, maybe their spouse.
7:26 But then something unexpected happens.
7:30 They remember a conversation they may been dismissed or mocked someone because of their views, or they rolled their eyes.
7:38 And they think, "Oh wow, that was contempt.
7:42 And that was me."
7:44 We call this the mirror effect.
7:47 It's the moment we see our own role in division and realize we can choose something better.
7:53 Because when we use contempt, it's hard to see it.
7:56 But once we see it, it becomes harder to use it.
8:00 And The Dignity Index helps us see it.
8:04 That shift can change a political conversation.
8:07 It can also change a workplace or a community, even a family.
8:12 Earlier, I introduced my family by their political labels.
8:16 But those beliefs are just a small part of who they really are.
8:20 My kids are also thoughtful, loyal, creative, generous, genuine.
8:32 My husband is steadfast.
8:35 And me, I am determined.
8:39 In the midst of our differences, we have to remind ourselves of these humanizing qualities in each other.
8:46 And sometimes it's hard work.
8:48 We still do not agree on politics.
8:50 But we do agree that we should treat each other with dignity.
8:55 There was one experience that really brought this home for me.
8:58 I was invited to speak at a political event in a large metropolitan city.
9:04 It was my first formal presentation on the Dignity Index, and my husband had come along for support.
9:10 As we walked into the event, I looked around and realized that I should not be there.
9:19 The speeches were fiery, and the topics were the exact ones that had caused tensions between my husband and me.
9:27 I felt like these were his people.
9:30 And I was about to be attacked.
9:34 So we sat at the back of the room and waited.
9:36 I braced myself and leaned over to my husband and said, "A speech on dignity is not going to land here."
9:43 And he leaned over and said, "This is the right message.
9:46 You can do this.
9:48 Let me help you."
9:49 And he coached me on how to speak to this group, how to connect, how to help them feel understood while not compromising what I believed.
10:00 That was a breakthrough because we couldn't have done that just a few years earlier.
10:05 We would not have known how to cross that divide.
10:08 The divide in the room and the divide between us.
10:12 But we were doing the work, we were learning how to disagree with dignity.
10:18 And that changed everything.
10:22 There is no America without democracy.
10:26 There is no democracy without healthy debate.
10:29 And there is no healthy debate unless we treat each other with dignity.
10:34 And it often begins with something as simple as looking in the mirror.
10:40 Because when we learn to see ourselves clearly, we begin choosing more dignity and less contempt.
10:47 And that small shift multiplied across families, communities and our country, is exactly what democracy needs most.
10:57 Thank you.

The Art of Disagreeing with Dignity | Tami Pyfer | TED

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Transcript: 140 sentences

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