The skill of self confidence | Dr. Ivan Joseph | TEDxRyersonU

Name: The skill of self confidence | Dr. Ivan Joseph | TEDxRyersonU
Duration: 13 min 12 s
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fundibulator

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0:00 Transcriber: Jaime Ochoa Reviewer: Elisabeth Buffard In my past life as a soccer coach, once you won a national championship,
0:10 everyone wants to come play for you.
0:12 Really not true.
0:13 Once you paid them $ 25,000 a year in scholarships, everybody wants to come play for you.
0:19 And parents would always come to me and they'd say: "Okay, my son or my daughter wants to come play at your university, what is it that we have to do?
0:26 You know, what are you looking for?"
0:27 And being the Socratic professor that I am, I say, well, what does your son or daughter do?
0:31 What do they do really well that we'd be interested in?
0:34 And typically their answers are, well, they've got great vision.
0:37 They're really good.
0:38 They can see the entire field.
0:39 Or, my daughter is the fastest player, there's nobody that can beat her.
0:43 Or, my son's got a great left-footer.
0:45 Really great in the air and can hit every ball.
0:47 I'm like: "Yeah, not bad; but to be quite honest with you, those are the last things I'm looking for.
0:54 The most important thing?
0:57 Self-confidence."
0:58 Without that skill, and I use the word skill intentionally, without that skill, we are useless as a soccer player.
1:06 Because when you lose sight or belief in yourself, we're done for.
1:11 I use the definition of self-confidence to be the ability or the belief to believe in yourself, to accomplish any task, no matter the odds, no matter the difficulty,
1:23 no matter the adversity.
1:24 The belief that you can accomplished it, self-confidence.
1:29 Some of you are saying, "Great, I don't have it.
1:31 I'm so shy.
1:31 I'll never do that, bla, bla, bla."
1:33 And you start to drag all the way down here.
1:37 But, I use the word skill because I believe it can be trained.
1:42 And I'll show you a couple of ways in which we do.
1:44 Hopefully I won't run out of time.
1:46 I don't use any slides because my speech always goes here, or here, or here.
1:49 So we'll see which way we get to.
1:51 The easiest way to build self-confidence: there's no magic button.
1:55 I can't say: "Hey, this plane is going down, who can fly?
1:57 Put your hand up."
1:58 "I can, I'm confident!"
2:02 Repetition, repetition, repetition.
2:05 Right?
2:06 What does Malcom Gladwell call it, the 10,000-hour rule?
2:10 There's no magic button.
2:11 I recruited a goalie from Colombia, South America one year.
2:13 Big, tall 6'3" man.
2:16 You know, he had hands like stone.
2:18 I thought he was like Flipper.
2:20 Everytime I threw him the ball, down, onto the ground.
2:23 I was like, oh my god, we're in trouble.
2:24 Simple solution: get to the wall, kick a ball against the wall and catch it.
2:28 kick the ball against the wall and catch it.
2:30 His goal was 350 a day for eight months.
2:33 He came back, his hands were calloused, the moisture on his hands were literally gone, he is now playing in Europe.
2:40 Magic?
2:41 No.
2:42 Repetition, repetition, repetition.
2:45 The problem is, we expect to be self-confident but we can't be unless the skill, or the task we're doing, is not novel, is not new to us.
2:53 We want to be in a situation where we have so much pressure in that and what I mean, cause pressure builds diamonds, we want to be in a situation where "hey, I've done this a thousand times".
3:05 I did my speech, and I practiced in front of a mirror: bla, bla, bla, bla, bla, bla.
3:08 Hey I'm sounding good.
3:10 And then I went in front of my kids, and my wife.
3:13 I said, oh gosh, I got a little nervous.
3:14 Then I'd get in front of Glenn Gould, Oh my goodness, I am a little more nervous!
3:17 By the time I get to the ACG, where 2,500 people, can't say anymore, right?
3:22 Twenty-five hundred people, where twenty-five hundred people are there, I won't have a single ounce of nervousness because of my ability to practice.
3:33 Right?
3:33 Over, and over, and over, again.
3:35 The problem with repetition is: how many of us bail after the first bit of failure?
3:40 How many of us bail after the first bit of adversity?
3:43 Edison was on that video, and it depends who you ask, there's anywhere from 1,000 to 10,000 tries to build that light bulb.
3:50 1,000 to 10,000.
3:52 J.K Rowling should be on that video.
3:54 Do you know how many publishers she took her Harry Potter book to?
3:57 I believe the number was 12 or 13...
4:00 I am pretty confident but after two or three noes I'd be like: "damn it!".
4:03 After six or seven, I'm like: "maybe not!"
4:05 Definitely after nine or ten I'd be looking to be a soccer coach or something else besides an author.
4:11 Right?
4:11 I mean, twelve times somebody said no.
4:14 But, practice, practice, practice, and do not accept failure.
4:19 Maybe it shouldn't be repetition, maybe the answer should be persistence.
4:22 Because we all repeat something but very few of us really will persist.
4:26 So that's one way to build self-confidence.
4:29 Get out there.
4:30 Do what you want to do and do not accept no.
4:33 The other one is self-talk.
4:35 We all have a self-talk tape that plays in our head.
4:37 Anybody go shopping and put on a pair of pants this week?
4:40 If you're a woman, the first thing that always comes: "damn I look fat in these pants!."
4:45 And if you're a man, it's the opposite: "Oh god, I got no muscle, I'm so flabby!"
4:49 Right?
4:49 We all have this tape that plays in our head.
4:52 As a student, if they asked me the question, it was like: "Oh, gee please professor don't pick me, I don't know the answer."
4:58 I'd look down.
5:00 Right?
5:00 If you're in the b...when I, let me tell you something, and the VP of business adminis.
5:04 here, I shouldn't repeat this, but when they hired me as an Athletics director, I sat in an architect's meeting, and I am as dumb as a post when it comes to anything to do with numbers and angles.
5:14 And they are like: the fundibulator valve of the architectural, uh, what do you think doctor Joseph?
5:21 Uh, let me look into that for you and get back to you.
5:25 Right?
5:26 I was in a, oh god god, please don't ask me, please don't ask me.
5:30 We all have this negative self-talk that goes in our head.
5:34 Guess what?
5:36 There's enough people that are telling us we can't do it.
5:39 That we're not good enough.
5:41 Why do we want to tell ourselves that?
5:43 We know for a fact that thoughts influence actions.
5:48 We saw it there with the video Sheldon, Dr.
5:51 Levy showed.
5:51 We know that our thoughts influence actions, why do we want to say that negative self-talk to ourselves?
5:57 We need to get our own self-affirmations.
6:00 Muhammad Ali, what was his self-affirmation?
6:02 I am the greatest!
6:07 Who else is going to tell you?
6:09 There need to be quiet moments in your bedroom, quiet moments when you're brushing your teeth.
6:13 That we need to reaffirm: "I am the captain of my ship and the master of my fate!"
6:19 That is my affirmation.
6:21 I came from a school of one thousand people, I lived in a town of one thousand people for fifteen years; there's no reason that I should be in charge of an Athletics department, building maple leaf gardens.
6:32 But I am the captain of my ship and the master of my fate.
6:35 If I don't say it, if I don't believe it, no one else will.
6:41 How do you build self-confidence?
6:43 Get away from the people who will tear you down.
6:46 There's enough of that.
6:47 Muhammad Ali, I am the greatest!
6:50 There is no one better than me.
6:53 There's a difference between hubris, and ego, and false pride.
6:57 It's just reminding yourself in quiet silent moments, I put it down on a list, it's right beside my mirror, right?
7:05 about all the things that make me who I am.
7:07 Because I make enough mistakes, and the newspapers will recognize it, and people around me will recognize it; and they'll tear me down, and pretty soon I'll begin to believe it.
7:17 There was a time when my confidence was really low.
7:21 There was a time when I took this job when I came from Iowa, I don't know if I could do it.
7:27 I had to bring out my self-confidence letter.
7:30 A letter I wrote to myself when I was feeling good.
7:33 Ivan, congratulations on getting your PhD before 40.
7:36 Congra...I am 40, under.
7:42 Congratulations on winning a national championship.
7:44 Good job on raising three good kids and marrying the right woman.
7:48 I wrote a letter to myself, it was my own brag sheet.
7:52 My own letter about the things I was proud of.
7:55 Because there are moments, and we'll all experience them in our career, in our lives, in our job hunting, in our relationships; when we are not feeling good about who, and what, and where we are.
8:06 And I had to bring out that letter and read it time and time again, for a period of about two weeks, to weather me through that storm.
8:14 It was important.
8:17 Stop the self-talk, the negative self-talk.
8:20 If you watch you'll see some athletes that have a little bandage, or a little brand around them.
8:25 Lance Armstrong is a perfect one.
8:27 What's his self-affirmation?
8:29 Livestrong isn't a brand, it was to remind him of who he was.
8:33 Live strong.
8:34 Then it became a brand.
8:36 He would move that from one arm to the next arm, when doubt and fear came into his mind.
8:42 Live strong, put it on there, let's go.
8:45 We'll all have it, we place it.
8:48 Two ways to build self-confidence.
8:50 I'm worried about my time I'm gonna tell you of one way you can build self-confidence in others.
8:54 We are coaches and educators, we are teachers, we are people who will create value in the world; and in doing that, we are critical by the nature of what we do.
9:03 I am a coach, I want you to score a goal.
9:06 The ball went over high.
9:07 "Dang it!"
9:08 The ball went high!
9:09 "Thank you coach, I know that.
9:11 Feedback tells me that."
9:12 So what do we do?
9:13 I need you to put your elbow here, I need you to put your knee over the ball, I need you to follow through.
9:18 Boom.
9:18 Land.
9:19 Great.
9:19 Notice, I never made it as a professional.
9:22 What can we do?
9:23 We fix mistakes.
9:25 When I'm fixing that mistake: "Johnny, this is terrible, you need to bend your knee, you need to do this, this."
9:30 What have I done to Johnny's self-confidence?
9:33 Bend your knee, then do this, then do this.
9:35 Next thing you know, Johnny's crushed.
9:39 Ignore what Johnny does wrong and find Bob or Sally or Freda over here.
9:44 Great goal Freda, I love how you kept your knee low, you followed through, and you landed like this.
9:50 Great job!
9:52 Johnny: "Oh?"
9:53 Great!
9:54 Johnny's not demoralized.
9:56 His confidence isn't shot, and what I've done is, I've built up Freda's.
10:00 Imagine how we could change the way we parented kids.
10:04 Instead of: "get that glass off the counter, what's wrong with you?"
10:08 If we catch the mother, good.
10:10 Great job!
10:11 Great job.
10:12 Thank you Alice for taking your glass to the counter.
10:14 It sounds simple but we forget about it.
10:17 Or as educators, or as somebody as a team, if we manage to praise the positive behaviour that we wanted to reinforce.
10:24 We forget it.
10:25 It sounds so simple.
10:26 Catch them when they're good.
10:29 We forget it.
10:31 It's simple.
10:32 Here's what they did.
10:32 There was a study in Kansas that did this.
10:34 They did video, and we all do video.
10:36 And we show the video of them doing the run of the play: "Um, this goal happened because the basket wasn't protected, we didn't rotate here, right?
10:43 We needed to do this and then cover the slot."
10:46 And, if that's the baseline, improvement of the Kansas State team went like this.
10:52 Then, they said they ignored all of that and they just showed them the times they did it right.
10:58 The times they did it perfect.
10:59 That presented no goals, spoke to the same points, improvement went like that.
11:05 It changed and revolutionized the way we as coaches interact with our student athletes.
11:09 We can apply that to the business world, we can apply that to our student group works, we can apply that to our management teams.
11:15 Easily: catch them when they are good.
11:20 Last and certainly not least.
11:22 My son is really good at this.
11:24 Self-confident people interpret feedback the way they choose to.
11:30 I ask my son who is by the far a terrible, terrible athlete, gets it from his dad.
11:36 The game's...
11:37 How's the game?
11:38 Oh great!
11:39 I scored three goals, I got two assists.
11:41 I'm like: "I did not see him touch the puck!"
11:44 But he has his own perception of how he did!
11:49 I love it!
11:51 Right?
11:52 I'm the...I'm that guy!
11:54 I'm like: "I remember when I was taking when I met my wife, it was in the commons.
11:58 "Paulie, would you like to go to the movies?
12:00 Ladies?
12:01 Tingly, tingly, tingle."
12:05 And she goes: "Ah, no."
12:09 I asked her again.
12:10 Cause I think that she just hasn't seen me in the right light.
12:13 Maybe, that's not the wrong shirt on.
12:15 Right?
12:16 Cause I'm interpreting that the way I want to interpret it.
12:19 Finally I asked her out again.
12:21 She gave me this one comment, right?
12:22 Or, she sent it to her friend.
12:24 Cause that's the way you did it back then.
12:25 "She wouldn't date you unless there was the last person on Earth, hell was freezing over, there was a small chance we had to save the planet Earth.
12:33 Some people, it's like, there's no chance.
12:35 I'm like: "You're saying there's a chance."
12:38 Right?
12:39 Because that's how I'm gonna interpret it.
12:42 If I could give you one thing to take from this, it is: no one will believe in you unless you do.
12:50 Listen to the words of that video, here's to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes.
13:00 We're supposed to be different, folks.
13:03 And when people look at us, believe in yourself.
13:07 Thank you.

The skill of self confidence | Dr. Ivan Joseph | TEDxRyersonU

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Transcript: 238 sentences

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